The Gift of Holding a Story

A while back Jen and I were asked to go down to Ecuador to spend some time with a group of global workers (that’s what we call missionaries) who were struggling through the closure of a school where their kids had been attending. Schooling options (or lack thereof) is one of the biggest stressors for cross-cultural workers, so this was a pretty big deal for these families. They were struggling with a number of unpleasant emotions arising from this decision.

As is the norm we arranged a number of private meetings with several of the singles and couples working there. Our main goal for those meetings? Just to listen. Really listen.

And we did so more imperfectly than you might expect for someone who does it for a living. But we did our best to create a safe place, and in response, out poured the stories… pain, confusion, hurt from leadership or teammates, fear, uncertainty, hope, faith… well you probably recognize these things in your own story. These people were in tough situations, with no obvious solutions, and we didn’t have any to give them.

I don’t think we solved a single problem during our time there.

Upon our return to the U.S. I was relating this to a friend who asked, “Isn’t it frustrating to travel somewhere to help people and not be able to do anything to fix the situation?”

It was an honest question, and on the one hand he’s right. It’s tough to see people struggling through pain and trial. We didn’t make what was wrong, right. But we did do something perhaps more valuable, we gave them the gift of hearing and holding their story. Letting someone share their story goes far beyond just helping them blow off some steam, although that can be helpful in itself.

But it goes deeper. When we offer to someone a safe place and an invitation to tell their story, we offer a valuable gift. Here are some reasons why:

We all have a deep need to be known

In the age of social media where photos rarely match up with reality, and our schedules seldom give us time to linger, most people don’t truly want to know the answer when they ask us “how are you?” Yet we long to be known for who we really are. We long for someone to know us for more than the “great work” we do at the office, or the “beautiful kids” that we are raising. There remains the lingering question: if someone knew the TRUE me, the one behind the mask, would they still love and accept me? Like the authors of The Cure say:

“It’s expensive to wear a mask. First, no one… gets to see my face. There are moments when a hint of the real me bleeds through, but mostly I’m as confusing to others as I am to myself. Worse, I never experience the love of others, because it’s not the real me.”

The Cure by Thrall, Lynch, & McNicol

When we give space and safety for someone to share their story, we honor them, and we are gifting them the courage to lower the mask and allow the person behind the mask to be known, accepted, and loved. That’s what I mean by the phrase “holding their story”.

The telling of the story actually reshapes it

Especially during painful seasons of life, our thoughts and emotions can become jumbled like a backpack after a long trip. We know we are not in a good place, but we hardly know where to begin. When we invite someone to verbally tell their story, it begins the process of untangling this mess. As they tell each part of their story it’s like pulling an item out of the backpack. They can look at it, examine it, and then decide if it’s something they want to keep in the backpack, save, or discard. It may take more than one telling, but eventually the items in the backpack are much more easily accessed and what’s not important no longer obscures that which is.

But it goes even deeper than that. According to Curt Thompson:

“The process of reflecting and telling others your story, and the way you experience others hearing it, actually shapes the story and the very neural correlates, or networks it represents.”

Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson

This means that when you listen to another’s story, their recall of the story now includes you and your loving act of listening to their story. It adds a new, positive, safe memory to what may be a very difficult season in their life. What a gift!

It is a powerful way to communicate love

There are few better ways to show love than to consider someone important enough to give them the time, space, and listening ear to hear their story. This is especially true when they are going through a difficult time and are feeling alone or isolated. You are offering the gift of entering into their pain and hurt so that they no longer have to carry it alone.

After all, isn’t this what God does for us? In the Psalms we see David pouring out his painful story across multiple chapters and finding solace in a God who was listening to him. We see Jesus drawing out the regretful story of the woman at the well. We see Peter reminding us in 1 Peter 5:7 to cast all our cares (and stories!) on Him, because He cares for us. What an amazing comfort, that we have a God who is attentive to our own stories.

And that shouldn’t surprise us. It’s just another reminder that whatever our God asks us to do… he’s already done for us. That’s the kind of good Shepherd we serve. He gives himself for us and to us, and then empowers us to go and do likewise.

Whose story might you give an invitation to? How have you been blessed by someone holding your story? If this post has stirred up any thoughts in you, please share them in the comment section below.