I met her on a sunny morning in southern Spain as we sat beside each other at a conference. We quickly discovered a love for walking with Jesus and bringing His light to the nations. Later that afternoon she found me and was quite emotional as she told me that the police were at her language school in the north African country where she serves and were asking lots of questions and she was very fearful that maybe she might be getting kicked out after 13 years of serving there. All of the sudden, everything she knew to be certain was in question.
Have you experienced that feeling…of being completely out of control? This spring after we returned from our trip overseas, I was suddenly hit with some mysterious health symptoms that threw all of my normal rhythms and routines into question. It’s quite unsettling to not be able to trust your body. I had many sleepless nights and didn’t know in the morning whether my body would allow me to complete what I had planned or if I would need to cancel everything and lie on the couch. It was scary and confusing. Along with this came a sense of distance from God.
In January, we had wrapped up our Sabbatical and reengaged with our ministry and I had felt such amazing closeness to the Lord. I felt childlike in my faith and full of hope and joy as we started traveling and visiting those we serve. I felt an incredible sense of partnering with God in bringing freedom from the shackles of shame in women’s lives. All of the sudden during our trip, I got sick and as the days stretched on endlessly with no answers, I felt so far from God and His peace. I didn’t know how to get back to His embrace and the place of joy and childlikeness I had experienced during our Sabbatical. It was disorienting and it hurt. A lot.
It’s been a process as my physical body has been healing, of crying out to the Lord for healing in my soul. It has felt like God is not how He was, which begs the question, ‘what did I do’? What are you trying to teach me? Why? Why have you forsaken me, God? My heart echoes David’s heart:
“I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.
I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
“Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Psalm 77:1-12
I’m sitting with God these days as He invites me to be with Him and we’re talking about how I can grow in trusting Him and His heart through this; surrendering my need for security and safety. I’m remembering His miracles and faithfulness in my life and I’m letting Him see my hurt over what feels like His distance from me. David Benner in his book The Gift of Being Yourself says “Spiritual transformation does not result from fixing our problems. It results from turning to God in the midst of them and meeting God just as we are.”
Remember my new friend that I met at the conference? She was able to return to her country and we’ve continued meeting online. She too continues to be in a very uncertain season with her visa and work. She’s crying out to God too. Regularly we get to sit in this season of darkness with each other, coming just as we are, and God meets us there.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
John 1:5
